Signs you’re in a ‘silent divorce’ are loud and clear

When she was married, Carly and her husband didn’t fight much. When things started to go downhill in her marriage, she and her now-ex turned to couples’ workbooks to try to figure things out. “I would just prefer not to talk to him about things because it was very difficult to communicate in general,” said Carly, a mother of one child who didn’t want to include her last name due to privacy concerns. “He was more like, silent treatment and passive-aggressive. And I feel like I probably was the same, too.” At one point, Carly asked him to move out of their Tampa, Florida, home. “He was like, ‘No, we’ll figure it out under our own roof,’” she said. He moved his things into a guest bedroom in the family home and began sleeping there. After a year in separate bedrooms, the couple decided to end their marriage. But leading up to that point, they continued living together in the same home, raising their daughter and appearing like a couple to the outside world. “He became a stranger to me that I was still married to under the same roof in a year’s time, and then we got divorced,” she said. Although the legal proceedings came later, the couple were already going through what’s often called a “silent divorce.” What is a silent divorce? Couples end up in this situation when they no longer feel an attachment to each other but continue staying together for financial or other reasons, according to Stephanie Moir, a licensed mental health counselor and certified rehabilitation counselor with Serene Mind Counseling + Evaluations, a private mental health practice in Tampa and Jacksonville, Florida. “A silent divorce is when you’re not legally separated, but you’re definitely emotionally, mentally and almost to a certain point physically removed, too, from your spouse,” Moir said. “It’s really something that you’re going through personally and kind of on your own — it’s not really something that’s on paper or completely shared. So it can be isolating,” she added. It’s a common refrain that marriage takes work. “If you don’t really work on a marriage, it could really lead to that emotional disconnect where two people are just not on the same page anymore,” Moir said. Signs you’re in a silent divorce Realizing you no longer have common goals as a couple and an inability to see yourself “growing and expanding” with your partner is one sign you may be in or headed toward a silent divorce, she said. “Maybe you start taking separate vacations or don’t go together to social gatherings, like birthdays,” Moir said. Another telling sign is a sustained lack of physical intimacy with your partner, whether you’re no longer having a sexual relationship or lacking any other kind of touch with each other that was formerly the norm, she added. Lisa Lavelle, a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist and couples therapist in New York City, said she sees many “high-functioning couples” in her practice who are in silent divorces. “They may present like things are OK on the outside, and they’re great co-parents, and they work out logistics,” Lavelle said, but there’s an emotional disconnect. “One of the first red flags that I tend to see when couples are on the verge of or in a silent divorce is when they feel more like roommates than romantic partners. The focus is on being Mom and Dad and not husband and wife or partners,” Lavelle said. While all couples may feel disconnected from each other at some point, she said, things become problematic when they avoid talking about these issues and can’t bounce back. A lack of physical intimacy is an obvious sign of trouble, Lavelle said. But it’s important not to confuse a silent divorce with a “sleep divorce,” which is when couples choose to sleep separately because one snores or there’s another medical or comfort issue. “If you’re dealing with those types of issues with snoring or sleep apnea, it can actually help preserve your relationship (to sleep in separate rooms),” she said. There’s a hidden cost to the calm A silent divorce can feel like a reprieve of sorts, Lavelle said, since a couple who may have been used to fighting before suddenly isn’t anymore. But arguments in a relationship serve a purpose, said Justin Ho, a licensed professional counselor with Summit’s Edge Counseling in Marietta, Georgia. “As dysfunctional as it might seem, fighting often reflects we’re disagreeing at the moment, we’re not on the same page, we’re not seeing eye to eye — but we’re trying to help our partners see where we’re coming from,” he said. For some couples, fighting can indicate there’s still a desire to feel connected. A couple in a silent divorce may not fight anymore because they don’t care, Lavelle said. “This is a couple who will talk about logistics, (like) what’s for dinner. But anything that is meaningful or uncomfortable, they don’t talk about it anymore,” she said. “There’s a lack of vulnerability.” There’s also an emotional toll. “When you are married to someone and you are intentionally trying to avoid them, it takes time and energy to do that,” she said. Resentment builds up over time Couples in a silent divorce experience an emotional separation that can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness and resentment, Ho said. “Over time, those feelings really build up and are really difficult emotions to experience and to handle,” he added. “Oftentimes what we see is that it develops into, potentially, depression or anxiety. It manifests in a lot of different ways.” For couples with children who are witnessing what’s going on, there’s collateral damage to consider. “(If) you’re around a couple that’s not getting along, it’s palpable,” Lavelle said. “You can feel like you’re walking on eggshells just witnessing how unhappy they are.” A silent divorce can lead to unmet needs not only for the adults involved but also for the children, Ho said. “Children might feel like they have to take sides or maybe even feel neglected in the relationship because they don’t have that united parental image to kind of look to or to lean on,” he said. Couples should also consider the financial implications of staying in a silent divorce instead of making it official. Liesl Savage, a financial adviser with Ameriprise Financial Services in Jacksonville, said she wouldn’t feel comfortable with her clients staying in a silent divorce for an extended period because of the financial liability that goes along with that. “If my soon-to-be ex gets in a car accident and someone dies in that accident, I’m going to have a whole disaster on my hands,” she said. “If you’re still married, you are on the hook with that person financially. You are intertwined.” Moving on from a silent divorce If you’re realizing you might be in a silent divorce, Ho said, you could sit down and talk with your partner. “Ask them, ‘Are you noticing the same thing as well?’ And really just try to get aligned at that moment,” Ho said. Such a conversation, while uncomfortable, is an opportunity to see if the relationship is something you want to work on. Not talking has its own repercussions. “Resentments around parenting, resentments around finances, resentments around in-law, issues — when these topics get swept under the rug and not talked about, usually at least one party starts to feel resentful of the other person, and they don’t want to try as much,” Lavelle said. The longer resentment goes unchecked, the harder it is to address, she added. That’s why it can be helpful to reach out for therapeutic support. “I think people make an assumption that therapy is about saving your relationship, and it can be,” Lavelle said. “But primarily, therapy is about helping couples have unspoken or uncomfortable conversations so they can make a more informed decision about their relationship.” Terry Ward is a Florida-based travel writer and freelance journalist in Tampa who never said marriage was easy.