Maeve and I are quite well matched in terms of libido.Sexisn’t on my mind all the time, it is something I have to foster and nurture. And that’s been the journey of the past few years.
When we met almost 27 years ago, our sex life was exciting and adventurous. We’d do it outside, or sometimes in a swimming pool. It was spontaneous. But we didn’t actually talk about it much, so we didn’t really know what the other person liked. I grew up in a family where sex wasn’t talked about – which means I never had a relaxed attitude to it.
As we approached 50, there was a period of five or six years when we only had sex once every few months. We were still a happy married couple, but it was a low point. The libido just wasn’t there – we would rather watch Netflix. I began to have problems keeping an erection when we did try to have sex, which was worrying. Luckily, Maeve was patient.
I began thinking that I just wasn’t going to have sex in my life any more, which was really sad. So I told myself I had to take a closer look. I had been in therapy, and Maeve and I went to a couple’s counsellor and a sex therapist together. They gave us tools, such as giving each other massages and setting aside dedicated time together. Seeing a sex therapist, we realised we enjoy talking about sex and that it turns us on. For the first time we openly talked about what we like and don’t like, which really opened up our relationship to exploration.
Initially, it was just practical things, such as “Do you like getting a blowjob?” It was a challenge for me to talk about it at first, but now we’re wide open. We write erotic stories for each other, which helps us communicate what we like. I have this funny thing about women in VW vans, for example, so I put that into my story.
When I was younger, I thought that when you grow up and are in a long relationship, things would get boring. So it’s exciting to see that the older we get, the more we’re discovering about each other. We now have sex twice a week, which is a lot by our standards.
When I first saw Otto I could feel my heart going completely nuts. There was a very strong physical attraction. We’ve always been comfortable with each other sexually, and felt physically compatible, so the sex was very good.
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Obviously, things change with kids and work, but there came a time a few years ago when we were physically and mentally drained. We only had sex once in a blue moon, perhaps every three months. Sometimes, we would get intimate and Otto wouldn’t be able to keep an erection, and then I stopped initiating sex because I didn’t want to pressure him.
It also didn’t help that I had gone through menopause and felt I had lost those horny feelings. It was lonely, because if you don’t have sex you lose a whole level of intimacy. It’s not only about the sex – you drift apart and just become two people living in the same house looking after the kids.
Otto had been in therapy and we decided to see a sexual therapist together. I was nervous about sharing the most intimate part of my life, but if it’s worth fixing, you have to just cringe and get on with it. It turned out to be illuminating. As we opened up, some misunderstandings came to light. For example, I was under the impression Otto didn’t like performing oral sex on me and he thought I didn’t like him doing it to me.
The therapist asked us if we’d ever talked to each other about our sexual fantasies. I wrote one of my fantasies in a Valentine’s card a decade ago, but never got a response. So Otto’s homework was to write one for me. That was a hit.
We now write erotic stories for each other and then act out our fantasies. It has made everything a lot more exciting and spontaneous. And having sex makes you feel younger. It’s lovely, and I feel really close to Otto now.