In another world, Robert Paylor might have been playing in Major League Rugby, in his prime at 28, preparing for a US Eagles summer including England in Washington andWorld Cup qualification.
“When I was an athlete, that was my purpose in life,” he says. “I wanted to be the best rugby player I could be. And in a lot of ways, those dreams were really happening: I was a sophomore competing for Cal’s team, which is not a common thing to do, and I had all those hopes: being an All-American, maybe play professionally, maybe represent the United States. That was my goal. And then in one moment, because of something I couldn’t control, it was gone.”
On 6 May 2017, Paylor started in the second row of the scrum for Cal Berkeley against Arkansas State in theVarsity Cup final. In the first minutes, Cal formed a maul, driving the ball towards the Arkansas line. In his new book, which was published eight years later to the day, Paylor describes what happened next.
TV “images clearly showed a player from Arkansas State wrapping his arm around my neck, putting me in a headlock, and driving my skull into the ground” – a clearly illegal move.
Paylor’s neck was broken. His book is calledParalyzed to Powerful: Lessons from a Quadriplegic’s Journey.
“It was cathartic,” he says, to revisit that terrible moment. “It wasn’t easy. I cried many times, going through it. That’s such a hard moment. I had to really create that mental image again so I could describe it for a reader and put them in that moment with me.
“In terms of the injury itself, it was very fast. I think this maul formed and collapsed in around five seconds. Laying on that turf, I was completely paralyzed from the neck down, numb and motionless, but I never lost consciousness for a second. I was completely aware. I was terrified because the referee didn’t stop play. Oh my gosh, I don’t know why. Thank goodness nothing happened, but there were multiple phases of play and if someone were to have fallen on me, I certainly would have had a more severe injury. I might not even be here today.”
For Paylor, the anniversary of his injury “always brings back those moments. I look at the clock in the morning, and I think of myself getting dressed for the last time so easily. And I look at noon, which was when we kicked off, and I think of standing for the national anthem. I think of sprinting down that field, how that’s the last time I ever sprinted, after that kick-off. And I really wanted to share those moments in great detail and really try to share that emotion that was behind it. Really, that was important.”
Paylor was in a place few could ever imagine. Stricken in a hospital bed. Told by doctors he would not walk again, might not regain use of his hands. Electing to undergo surgery he might not survive. And yet rugby humor, dark by definition, runs through his book like a vein. He describes what it is like to have a feeding tube rammed up a nose broken too many times by his sport. In short: it’s not pleasant. Less funny: how he contracted pneumonia, how medics and loved ones helped him fight off a threat that might have drowned him there in his bed.
He survived. Then he set out to fight back. Hewouldwalk again.
“I’ve always been an optimistic guy, but I knew from moment one I was never going to play rugby again,” he says, smiling broadly, wearing a Cal polo, sitting in front of a framed Cal jersey. “So I needed something to replace that.”
With notable help fromTom Billups, the Harlequins and Eagles hooker turned Cal assistant coach, Paylor fought it out. Inch by inch, using a frame, he got back on his feet. In August 2021,he walkedto receive his diploma. Cheers rang on and on.
“I continue to progress,” he says. “I walked 500 yards on Monday. That’s a new PB, up from 400. But I go back to Cal and I tell the story of my teammates helping me get around campus. I wouldn’t have graduated if it weren’t for them.”
Early on, Paylor noticed something.
“As you can imagine, breaking your neck is not a good financial decision. We needed a lot of help. So I started out witha GoFundMethrough Jennifer Douglas, the mom of Tyler Douglas, my best friend on the team. That was huge … but also I started seeing that sharing my story was impacting others. People would confide what they were going through, some of it extremely significant. Stage-four cancer, suicidal ideations, loss of a son or daughter. Incredibly difficult things, and how, through my perseverance and my positivity, I was helping them.
“I started to see this gift kind of matriculating out of this injury, where it took a lot away but it gave me one thing, and that’s a story and tools I can share, that can help people. So I started getting into speaking. At first, it was just, ‘Robert, you’ve got this amazing story. You tell it really well. Will you think of sharing your story with my class, with my team?’ I started doing that, fell in love with it, and then decided I want to do this for the rest of my life. I want to be a speaker.”
True to that aim, each chapter of Paylor’s book offers lessons to be learned from events discussed. He started writing under Covid, wanting to “really dive deeper”. His co-author, sportswriterJason Cole, helped him over the line.
By far the most successful program in college rugby, Cal recently won a 29th national XVs title,beating Life, from Georgia. “Go Bears,” Paylor repeats, with a laugh. He cannot speak highly enough of Billups, head coach Jack Clark and the culture they’ve built.
In his book, he declares his love for Karsen Welle, his wife, describing in detail their courtship, which began in 2019. He cites a higher authority still: his Catholic faith. It took him to Lourdes, seeking a cure, and it has fueled everything since his injury: rehab in Colorado, weights work at Cal, becoming a public speaker,TED talk included. Faith provided solace too, not least through a difficult official investigation of his injury.
Of the Arkansas player who caused his injury, who he does not name, he says: “I absolutely forgive this person. I totally wish him well.
“Nothing about this [book] was like a passive aggressive attempt at revenge. I tried to state that early on. But trust me, I was filled with so much anger back then, over everything I was going through: can’t breathe, can’t eat, can’t itch my nose, all because of the actions of another person who has not reached out to me. That was probably the most difficult mental challenge I’ve had to overcome.
“But it’s so important, because I think everybody has someone they need to forgive, and we have to forgive ourselves. Sometimes that’s not easy, and there’s times when we just feel the universe is against us. It’s so important to realize forgiveness is not just a feeling of peace that comes with letting go of a situation. It’s a decision to make over and over again, especially when we don’t feel like it.
“As it comes to USA Rugby, I thought that was equally important to write about. For whatever reason, national governing bodies don’t always do the right thing. USA Rugby is not alone in that. Go look at women’s gymnastics,with sexual abuse scandals. Go look at the NFL, with brain trauma cover-ups.
“When I was going through all the drama of the investigation, I was also just trying to get my life back. I was trying to be able to pick up a water bottle. I’m putting marbles into jars. So it frustrated me at the time that there was kind of this sweeping under the rug with what clearly was a red card on the field [though no card was shown for the incident in which Paylor was injured]. What really hurt me was that this could happen to someone else. Never in rugby should it be permissible to wrench someone down by their head and render them a quadriplegic. That just frustrated me, because I love this sport.”
Eventually, Paylor and Cal “got what we hoped for”: the investigation was widely condemned, USA Rugbyapologized, “and they have learned from the situation, and rugby is better off.”
Paylor’s optimism is striking. Sometimes startling. On the page, he describes his first steps as a speaker, at Cal’s business school: “I paused for a moment … it was so quiet that if a pin had dropped, it would have sounded like a cymbal. Sitting in front of my peers at that moment, power coursed through my body. It filled me with something more profound than the ability to walk, run, or win a big game. That’s when I first realized that through all of this pain and suffering, I had been given a gift. In the process of losing so much of my previous identity, I gained a new ability that I could share with others.
“And I wouldn’t trade that by wishing my injury had never happened.”
People who hear that line “probably think I’m either a liar or a lunatic”, Paylor writes. Close friends have “advised me that I shouldn’t say that. It’s hard to imagine anyone would truly not wish away an injury like mine …
“[But] nobody has experienced every second of my life as I have … Yes, I want to regain my ability to walk and have my full independence back. I work at that in my rehab every day. What I don’t want is to wish this injury had never happened in the first place. Changing what happened to me would mean wishing away … an ability to help others through adversity at a level I don’t think I would’ve gained without this injury. I love my life, and I’m proud of where I am today. If my past is the road I had to take to inspire people in this way, then I’m grateful for it.”
In conversation, Paylor shows the same cheerful refusal to be cowed by fate.
“People ask me all the time, ‘Do you regret playing rugby?’ My answer is, ‘Absolutely not.’ If I woke up tomorrow and I was able-bodied, I’d be looking for someone to hit. I just love the game.
“My best friendships were made in rugby, and I haven’t found a way to replace it. Just that focus on the moment, where nothing else matters, that bond you have with your teammates, really in a sacrificial way. It’s difficult. It requires pain, and you take that on not just for yourself but for your team and for the alumni, your coaches. Gosh, it’s just such a great game.
“It’s the game they play in heaven. I’m confident of it. I still have dreams about playing.”
Paralyzed to Powerful isout now