Somebody give George Clooney a medal. In an interview with CBS a few days ago, the actor claimed he has never, in 11 years of marriage,argued with his wife, the human rights lawyer Amal Clooney. Let’s just accept it to be true that you can be married to a lawyer for more than a decade and never find yourself in an argument. And in this case, I suppose, why should it not be? These are some of the most beautiful people in the world. On top of this, they are extremely rich. They can have houses and holidays wherever they want. They can buy whatever clothes and dinners they choose. What would you have to argue about if you lived such a gilded existence?
And actually, I do find myself wondering about that quite often these days, especially when I see the strange spectacle of enormously wealthy and successful celebrities arguing with strangers online. Maybe the fact this does happen is evidence that, for some people, even in a life with no material problems, artificial grievances can always be invented. Still, I can dream that I would not end up like that, and that if I was that rich, I would never argue. In fact, I simply would not have a phone. I would live a life surrounded only by beauty. I would buy new socks and new peach silk underwear every day. I would spend every minute of my days smiling calmly. And if I did run into problems with my partner, I would simply employ someone – let’s call them a relationship tension expert – to work things out on my behalf.
Until that day, though, arguments are part of life. Most of us, with our lumpen faces and bodies, our fragile bank balances, our bobbled polyester clothing, and our strained sleep schedules, argue with our partners with some degree of regularity. But I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. As long as nobody is using physical force or other forms of intimidation or manipulation, such as fake tears, or other forms of cruelty such as lying, I think an argument can be a very productive tool in a relationship.
As a straight woman living in a society that tends to teach men from a young age that household chores are beneath them, for example, I have always advocated for arguing ferociously about chores and tidiness from the very start of a relationship. Let no infraction pass, no matter how small. An unwiped counter should be met with a great tirade about not feeling understood and loved and having your personhood squashed and so on. Gentle nagging won’t do. The more melodramatic, the better. No sane person would rather have an argument like this than wipe the counter. In my experience, if you have this argument on a grand enough scale, you need only have it once. It’s either that, or wipe the counter and clean the fridge shelves and put someone else’s underwear in the wash basket for ever, gently nagging all the while. I made my choice long ago and never looked back.
There are other things I have learned about arguments in relationships over the years. If you tell your partner calmly that something is annoying or upsetting and they continue to do it anyway, they are doing it on purpose. Use that information how you will. Another thing: you can never have a productive argument with someone when you don’t agree on the basic facts of what happened. And I don’t mean how people felt about things – I mean if one person says the car crashed and the other says it didn’t. An argument about that will never end. And you should never agree that you saw a car crash when you didn’t, or vice-versa, for the sake of your own sanity, as well as the other person’s. Agreeing with someone else’s fantasy to placate them is a very dangerous thing to do, because it makes a fantasy feel real. I learned a simple strategy for this a little while ago. Now I just say: “We are living in different realities. We cannot have a productive conversation about this until that changes.”
In general, if you have had the same argument again and again, you will have it again and again and again. One of you can change, or one of you can accept that things won’t change. Or you can argue about it for ever. There are no other options. And arguing about something for ever is a bad option.
When it comes down to it, then, I am a strong advocate for making your red lines known clearly and then walking away if they are crossed. I can’t have my relationship tension expert or my daily fresh silk underwear, but I can have a relatively peaceful life all the same.
Rachel Connolly is a writer and the author of the novel Lazy City
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