Mymum has always been protective, and I fearit is destroying my social lifebecause I haven’t grown up withmuchaccess to social media. I don’t mean to sayit’s OK to be exposed to social media at a young age, butit needs to be controlled in a certain way.
Because I had a flipphone until the middle of secondary school, I haven’t had a TikTok or Snapchat streak with anyone because I never learned how it works.I know this might sound like me complaining over nothing, but it sometimes feels likemy mum is purposely doing this to damage me.
My parents are divorced, and my dad thoughtI should have a flipphone until it wasgetting in the way of my friendships, which I suppose was reasonable enough, but no one can contradict my mum.
Is my mum just stubborn, or am I complainingtoo much and making a mountain out of a molehill?
You told me you are 12 in one of your emails, but then you also mention having a flip phone until the “middle of secondary school”, which would make you 13/14 in the UK, so I’m confused. But I do know school systems can vary and our readership is global, so I’m talking to you as if you are 12. Your age is important here because you aren’t allowed to go on the apps you mention, and some others, until you’re 13. Plenty of people get around this, but even the people who run the apps think below 13 is too young.
Being a young person isn’t easy. You are naturally starting to detach from your family, a process that takes years and is essential if you are to eventually “launch” from the nest. Your brain is in a fizz of redevelopment. You think you know what’s best for you, your parents think they do, and somewhere in the middle we must land on a compromise. I don’t doubt your mum’s motivation is to protect you, but yours is to challenge that. It’s interesting that you look at your dad’s actions in a more understanding way, yet he is half of the parenting equation.
I went to child and adolescent psychotherapist Graham Music, who has decades of experience in this field. He pointed out that there’s a “lot of scaremongering, with many leading researchers suggesting tech, screen and social media are bad, full stop. Should we worry about and sometimes limit phone use? Yes. Does that mean we should ban teens from using smartphones? I don’t think so, but this is best worked out in a spirit of mutual compromise in parent-teen relationships based on good communication.”
But the point is not really what Music and I think. It’s finding a way that you and your mum (and dad) can talk about this and decide on what is acceptable and what isn’t. Perhaps you could even explore social media together. Music says, quite rightly: “If in family life most things can be discussed, including feelings, hopes or friendship issues, and what can be accessed on smartphones, then there need not be a problem. Of course screens are addictive. But in my experience the young people who are most at risk are those already at risk from abuse, trauma, neglect or stress; the unhappy teens who might use screens to compensate. The worst outcomes are seen in teens who already have psychological issues.”
Sign up toInside Saturday
The only way to get a look behind the scenes of the Saturday magazine. Sign up to get the inside story from our top writers as well as all the must-read articles and columns, delivered to your inbox every weekend.
after newsletter promotion
Your mum isn’t being any more stubborn than you. You’re entitled to care about these things, and to be listened to, but throughout all of this you need to be able to communicate with your mum and she with you. If she can see your point of view, and you hers, this will be really beneficial for all the other discussions that are yet to come. As Music says: “There are no easy answers. Every parent is grappling with such issues. The best inoculation against the risks of social media and smartphones is a happy, reflective young person who is trusted and helped to trust themselves.”
You may also be interested to read thisarticle I wrote with my daughter. Why not show it to your mum as a springboard to talking about things? And ask her what life was like for her when she was 12 – that’s always a good starting point.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem toask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject toour terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is availablehere.
Comments on this piece are pre-moderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site