After years of no sexual intimacy with my wife,Iam now craving the comfort ofsomatic connection.Not actual sex, but simplycuddling and being held close while nude.But my wife has refused. Ihave suggested wetry “progressive desensitisation” therapy,which would involvelying down together, with one item of clothing removed, but withno physical contact. We would build from therein the knowledge that this would not lead to sexual contact. My wife, when I suggested it,was not at all interested in this,and in fact, she was actively opposed.
She told me the problem was in my head and that she had zero interest in physical intimacy.She also said that this wasnormal for older women. Itold her it was my impression that older people actually craved appropriate physical touch.She then agreed that I couldjust lie in her bed fully clothed before retiring to my own bedroom.But this was justawkwardandhumiliatingfor me, because it was obvious that she wasnot in the least invested in my presence. So I gave up the idea completely.In every other regard our marriage is healthy. At times, I consider asking her if she could accept my seeking intimacy elsewhere, but I think this would lead to theendof our marriage. I feel trapped– I love my wife butmy resentment is growing.
Your sense of despair and sadness is understandable, and you deserve to be happier. Your needs are real and valid, but in truth this is not a sexuality problem; rather, it is a power struggle that you are losing. Your joint task would be to break down the barriers to fully seeing each other’s simple human needs and struggles, to summon empathy, and to find common ground.
When two people are locked into this kind of emotional “prison”, it is very difficult to see a way out. There can be a way, but the impasse that has developed is so well-entrenched that it is unlikely to be dissolved without the willing participation of both of you in some kind of mediation process – preferably couples counselling. Many couples lack the communication and negotiating skills necessary to overcome such a problem without outside help.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns toprivate.lives@theguardian.com(please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to ourterms and conditions.
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.