My dear friend has turned out to be an appalling father. He has unmanaged anxiety, admits to being an alcoholic, is in a relationship of convenience with the mother of his child after deciding, whether unilaterally or mutually, that they cannot resolve their differences, and seemingly only notices the bad about his four-year-old son. His expectations of his son’s behaviour are unreasonable and his comments, in front of his son, about him are almost completely negative.
I’ve tried to talk to him about getting treatment for his anxiety, which he has not done. He lives with his partner as he has constructed a narrative that he cannot afford not to do so, despite them now communicating through a shared calendar.
The lack of sleep and relentless nature of parenting do not allow him the solitude and recovery time that he has always relied on to manage his anxiety (untreated and unassisted). He feels trapped and both his mental health and parenting have suffered as a result. It’s not clear that he has taken any positive or productive steps to improve the situation, which has worsened over the past year. I now feel angry and so disappointed with how he behaves toward his lovely boy. How can I help him?
Eleanor says:It sounds like your friend’s in that space where they know there’s a problem but for some reason don’t change it. What’s missing isn’t knowledge but engagement.
If I’m hearing you correctly, he wouldn’t be surprised by a lot of what you’ve said: his anxiety spills into how he treats his son, long-term he might be happier living apart from his co-parent. That can be a very poignant place to get stuck: in some sense we know things are dire but that just becomes part of the wallpaper, we go limp.
What usually stands in the way of engaging with known problems? Maybe it’s not having a sense for quite how bad things are. Maybe he knows he drinks too much and is sharp with his kid, but doesn’t know if he’s an outlier. Maybe, so far as he knows, many people’s lives look like this.
Or maybe he thinks the problem will pass with time. Maybe “it’s just been a hectic little while”. Maybe he’s holding on for some imagined time around the corner when things settle down of their own accord. “It’s just for now” is a powerful trap.
Or maybe he just doesn’t know how to change it. Sometimes, it can be so hard to acknowledge where life has taken us that we plug our ears and go “la-la-la” about the problem. Maybe he can’t face the full impact of how far he’s gone from where he hoped to be.
Until he (or you) knows what stands in the way of acting on the problems he already knows about, fresh reminders – “I’m mean to my son”, “I’m not handling my anxiety” – won’t join the issue with the actual question. The question is:Why isn’t knowing about these problems enough to change them?
I don’t know whether you should try once more to say something directly. It sounds like you’ve tried to talk about his anxiety, but were rebuffed. And those kinds of conversations come with a big social cost – nobody likes to feel judged. But I do think thatifyou say something, you should really say it. It’s easy to look for ways of half-confronting someone; to hope that the odd remark here or raised eyebrow there will somehow get the message across while letting us pretend we didn’t send it. We think we can raise the problem without paying the social cost. This is a false hope. It is just as annoying to have someone drip-feed mini criticisms as it is to have them sit you down and tell you what they think. If you’re going to pay the cost either way, you might as well do it in a way that requires a response – like with questions that require answers – not just with small signals you hope he’ll decode.
If you decide not to say anything directly, another strategy might be to help the boy (and even his mum). A shared glance, a routine activity, a safe place for a biscuit or a natter – any way of modelling positive relationships and the possibility that life could be a bit nicer. These things can go a surprisingly long way.
In Australia, theNational Alcohol and Other Drug Hotlineis at 1800 250 015; families and friends can seek help atFamily Drug Support Australiaat 1300 368 186. In the UK,Action on Addictionis available on 0300 330 0659. In the US, call or textSAMHSA’s National Helpline at 988