Suddenly it all became clear. WhyKemi Badenochwas out and about giving interviews for the second day running, looking and sounding as if she wasn’t completely fed up. With a smile that could have passed for genuine. This wasn’t the Tory leader we had come to know and to whom we had become largely indifferent.
Kemi had been punching the air asthe Canadian election results came in. It was all beyond her wildest dreams. Not just a victory for the Liberal party, but the personal failure of the country’s Conservative leader. Pierre Poilievre had not just lost a 20-point lead in a matter of months, he had also lost his own seat. He was now officially a nonentity.
Hopefully Robert Jenrick would follow suit. It was Honest Bob who had been leading the Tories’ charge to worship at the knee of Poilievre. As recently as last year, he had been writing articles for rightwing publications in praise of the CanadianConservatives. They were the future, he had gushed. They were the role model for Tories in the UK. Vive Pierre!
It’s not often that a plan comes together, so Kemi was determined to enjoy her moment. And all the better that it had come good onDonald Trump’s 100th day in office.
Most people in the UK didn’t have a good word to say about the US president. They didn’t like the way he implicitly condoned whatever Vladimir Putin did. Happy to give away parts of Ukraine to the Russians that the Ukrainians were unwilling to concede. They didn’t like the way Agent Orange had sent JD Vance to Rome to finish off the pope. Francis should have been allowed to die in peace. Mostly, they just didn’t like Trump. Didn’t like his friends. His attitude.
And to be fair, Kemi hadn’t been entirely thrilled about any of this either. But she had been a great deal more enthusiastic about the trade war. A chance to see Keir Starmer squirm as he sucked up to Trump. Sycophancy on a par with Chris Philp. And getting almost nothing in return. A bully is always going to bully. The UK wasn’t even first in line for a trade deal. Or even in the top 10. And whatever happened we were going to have to suck up the same 10% tariffs as the Heard Island penguins. Good. The UK on the floor, just where Kemi wanted it while Labour was in power.
ButCanadahad been her personal project. In her few phone calls with the new US administration, she had always urged them to treat Canada as the 51st state. It’s what Canadians want. Even if they don’t know it yet. And the president had duly obliged. With predictable results. A massive backlash against America and a turnaround in fortunes for the Canadian liberals. All of which left Jenrick looking like the halfwit she knew him to be.
So, all in all, Tuesday was a good day. God bless The Donald. And God bless the Canadians. Who cared that the UK Tories were heading for a disastrous set of local election results? Certainly not her.
Kemi was even up for an interview with the BBC’s Matt Chorley on Radio 5 Live. At her most cheerful when suggesting she would personally deport hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants. Or criminals as she preferred to call them. She had no idea where she was going to deport them to, mind. She wasn’t going to get into details. Maybe just put them on to planes and see where they crashed when they ran out of fuel.
Would she resign if the local election results were as bad as feared? KemiKaze couldn’t contain her amusement. Absolutely not. Surely if the Canadian elections proved anything, it’s that the Tory party should not rush to do anything. “Anyone who thinks that this is an overnight task and that changing leader yet again is the solution is not paying attention,” she said. Mentioning no names, Honest Bob. But if the cap fits. If the Tories really wanted to replace her with an idiot who admired a foreign politician who could lose a 20-point lead in a heartbeat, then they were even more deluded than she had thought.
Elsewhere in Westminster, little stirred. Almost as if everyone was just marking time before the Thursday elections. Nor was it just Kemi who was trying to manage expectations. Everyone was at it. Despite Reform being narrow favourites to win the Runcorn byelection, Nigel Farage was downplaying his chances.
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Nige will now say almost anything he thinks an audience wants to hear. But he’s deadly serious about winning power, even if he has no idea what to do with it once he has it. So serious that he pulled Richard Tice from a Channel 4 debate on Wednesday night. Voters have a habit of taking an instant dislike to Dicky the moment he opens his mouth. Scrub that. He doesn’t even need to say a word. One look is enough.
As for Labour, Starmer was keeping a low profile. His most effective form of campaigning given his current popularity. Busy using the time to think of a way of congratulating The Donald on his achievements in his first 100 days. “You’re great, Mr President. The best. The very best. People are loving you. They only wish you could do more. Have you thought about becoming Pope? You could do Poping. You want me to bend over? Just tell me how far.”
It was left to Ellie Reeves to get Labour’s excuses in early. The Tories were making it easy for Reform in Runcorn by not campaigning, she said. Kemi’s smile just got bigger. There were benefits to the Tories being so toxic. Just don’t ask about any possible deals with Farage.