Late-night hosts tore into the House’s all-nighter session to passDonald Trump’s so-called “big, beautiful bill” of Republican talking points.
Thursday marked “another wildly destructive day in Washington DC”, saidJimmy Kimmelthat evening. “They pulled another all-nighter in the House last night, where they passed Trump’s big, beautiful bill. And man oh man, if this is the beautiful bill, I’d hate to see the ugly one.
“I’m not sure which part of the bill is the most beautiful – the part where we take food from hungry kids?” he continued. “Or the devastating effect it will have on college education? Or the trillions of dollars it will add to our national debt, or the $700bn in cuts to Medicaid. Either way, say goodbye to Grandma.”
The over-1,000-page bill passed by the slimmest of margins: 215 votes to 214, “or as Trump called it, a landslide”, Kimmel said.
“When something like this happens, you really get a look at the full bucket of chum, all the squeaky and creepy crackpots and kooks that we’ve entrusted with representing the United States,” Kimmel explained. “And with that said, welcome to Sycophantasy Island.”
Kimmel played a series of clips of GOP lawmakers touting the bill as the key to future US success. As one Republican congressman put it: “America is ready for takeoff.”
“Yes, America is ready for takeoff. Unfortunately, we fired all the air traffic controllers,” Kimmel joked. “This was a big win for a little guy. Magic Mike Johnson managed to pull an early-morning victory out of his Maga hat and he celebrated his victory with a sweet wet kiss on the big orange ass.”
Speaking before Congress, Johnson said: “Today wouldn’t be possible without the leadership of arguably the most powerful and most successful and most respected president of the modern era of the United States.”
“He almost kept a straight face,” Kimmel observed of his obsequiousness. “Even he started laughing a little.”
On the Late Show,Stephen Colbertlooked into Trump’s tenure at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, after he purged the board and installed loyalists, with himself as chair. “Trump continues to be obsessed with getting rid of what he calls ‘woke programming’ down at the Kennedy Center,” Colbert explained.
On Monday, at a dinner “for the new regime”, Trump claimed the center “had some very inappropriate shows, to put it nicely” and railed against drag … even though the new season is full of drag performances, such as in Moulin Rouge!, Chicago and Mrs Doubtfire.
“Mrs Doubtfire? That whole thing is drag,” Colbert laughed. “They’re going to have to quickly rewrite that one as Mr Straightwater.”
JD Vance, meanwhile, is back in the news after “probably not maybe killing Pope Francis”, Colbert quipped. “Seems like the vice-president is taking a unique approach with the pontiff,” because Vance reportedly discussed online dating during a private meeting with the new Pope Leo XIV. “Dude! Know your audience!” Colbert laughed. “The guy is celibate! Good lord …”
On a podcast with the New York Times’s Ross Douthat, Vance said: “The dating apps are probably more destructive than we fully appreciated.”
“I’m gonna say JD Vance’s views on this may not be as valuable as he thinks, considering the last dating app he was on was the Raymour & Flanigan,” Colbert joked, referring to the meme that Vance had sex with a couch (“not true, it didn’t happen, he never did it, and I do not care,” Colbert added).
And on the Daily Show, Ronny Chieng dug into the Republicans’ huge new bill. “The question is, what do you call an enormous bill that crams together every single Republican issue?” he jokingly wondered.
To quote Trump: “One big, beautiful bill.”
“Really? Big, beautiful bill, that’s the best you could come up with?” Chieng mocked. “That’s a stupid name, OK? Also, that’s whatJordon Hudson calls Bill Belichick.”
Chieng didn’t blame at least one commentator mixing up the BBB with BBL, or Brazilian butt lift. “Maybe BBL was a better name,” he said, “because this bill is thick and mostly ass”.
The bill, he noted, cuts healthcare for the poor to fund tax cuts for the rich. “The only way this could be more cartoonishly mean to poor people is if it says Bob Cratchit has to work on Christmas Day,” he joked.
“The bill isn’t just about taking healthcare from poor people to give rich people tax cuts,” he added. “I’m sure there’s something in there for the rest of you.”
Indeed, one provision tucked into the bill eliminates the $200 registration fee for gun silencers. “Let’s see, that was added by … Rhode Island representative John Wick?” Chieng joked.