With several hosts still on Easter holiday,Jimmy Kimmeltalks the search for a new pope andPete Hegseth’s ongoingSignal scandalsat the Department of Defense.
Kimmel kicked off his show Tuesday by acknowledging Earth Day – and for the occasion, the US Environmental Protection Agency fired or reassigned hundreds of employees. “I can’t help but wonder how different things might be ifDonald Trump’s father had taken him camping even one time,” he joked.
He then turned his attention to the top global story of the week: the search for a new pope afterPope Francisdiedon Monday morning at the age of 88. “Nobody is going to be more insufferable this week than your friend who saw the movieConclaveand now knows everything about how it works,” said Kimmel. “I’ll tell you how it works: over the next few weeks, 135 flamboyantly dressed cardinals will gather to pass judgment on a series of aspiring candidates and in a lot of ways, it’s the Catholic version of RuPaul’s Drag Race.”
Kimmel had a personal favorite: an Italian cardinal long stationed in Jerusalem named Pierbattista Pizzaballa.
“Is he qualified? Honestly, we have no idea,” said Kimmel in a prayer for the very Italian-sounding Italian cardinal to be named pope. “Is he made of pizza? Also unclear. Is he round like a balla? We also don’t know. But his name is so funny, please grant the other cardinals the strength to give us a Pope Pizzaballa.”
Kimmel also mocked Trump’s defense secretary, Hegseth, who is once againin hot waterover using unsanctioned messaging apps to discuss sensitive military operations. Earlier this week,it was reportedthat Hegseth used a second Signal group chat, this one including family members, to discuss planned strikes in Yemen.
Appearing on Fox News, Hegseth tried to dismissfuroras misguided: “Then and now, however you characterize it, was informal, unclassified coordinations … that’s what I’ve said from the beginning.”
“Right, but it was bullshit from the beginning, too,” Kimmel responded. “You texted the exact time and place the secret bombing would begin before the secret bombing to your wife on an easily hackable phone. And is defense for this is ‘who told you? And how dare they tell you!’”
“This is like your wife catching you in bed with another woman and your response is ‘well, why did you come home so early?’” he continued. “Our secretary of defense is defenseless, but it’s not his fault! The ones who get the blame for this is the leakers.”
Kimmel then played a supercut of Hegsethcomplaining about “leakers”– “I don’t have time for leakers,” he said during the same Fox News interview.
“You don’t have time for leakers? Youarethe leaker,” said an exasperated Kimmel. “You leak so much, you should be wearing Depends to work.”