Have you ever been in the middle of difficult life circumstances to be told “let it go” or “don’t dwell on it” as if it were a simple choice?
Such advice can have the effect of minimising our distress and abruptly changing the subject. Yet it is not the phrases themselves that are troubling – there is real substance to them – but the missed opportunity to grasp the true meaning of what Buddhist teacher Tara Brach calls“radical acceptance”.
Radical acceptance represents a fundamental principle in both Buddhism andmodern psychologyand is neatly summarised in thepsychotherapeutic expression“the only way out is through”.
In a culture that emphasisespositive thinking, many tend to avoid, repress, or downplay negative emotions and complex life events. Acceptance offers apowerful alternative. It encourages us to acknowledge and allow challenging states of mind and paves the way for greater wholeness, healing and ease.
However, acceptance cannot be achieved instantaneously or via platitudes, nor can it be attained through willpower alone. It requires consistent effort and repeated application.
In an era where viral self-help mantras likeMel Robbins’ “Let Them”theory seem appealing, it is tempting to seek quick fixes to complex problems. However, authentic radical acceptance involves more than detaching from others’ behaviours; it requires accepting one’s own fluctuating mind states and engaging with the world from a place of wisdom, flexibility and humility.
When my immediate family member died recently after a prolonged period of illness, the dimensions of my grief were (and continue to be) varied – sometimes jagged, sometimes soft and sometimes hard to accept. Yet I reminded myself that nothing was wrong. This was not a mistake. It was exactly as it was.
Over months, I noted “anguish”, “desperation”, “bargaining”, “funny story”, “loving memory”, “fretting”, “attempt to fix”, and so on. With time, a relationship of friendliness emerged and, alongside it, a growing acceptance of what had initially felt unbearable.
The practice is to accept each small, containable moment over and over rather than being lured into a grand narrative about a catastrophic life event.
According to Brach, radical acceptance invites us topause, recognise and allowwhatever arises within us with a spirit of tenderness and care. It can take the form of a gentle “yes” or a knowing bow to our predominant experience, whatever shape it takes.
As we learn to accept complicated and unwanted feelings such as confusion, disbelief, despair, judgment and resistance, we gradually relate to our circumstances with realism and courage. We notice our thoughts, yearnings and corresponding body sensations and set aside our desire to control or improve our situation. With time, we sow seeds of compassion, even joy, amid difficulty. And our wisdom grows.
Of course, this is easier said than done.
Even in spiritual circles, there is a tendency to bypass difficult experiences or unacceptable emotions. The late Buddhist psychotherapist John Welwood coined the termspiritual bypassingto warn against misusing spirituality, even popular psychology, to avoid the necessary emotional and psychological work required for healing. While certain interpretations of spirituality can make us feel good or righteous in the moment, they can also serve to control andavoidwhat is happening beneath the surface, which has been proven to result inundesired psychological outcomes.
So, what does it mean to practise acceptance without bypassing intolerable experiences and feelings?
The first step is admitting that what we are going through is hard and that it is very human to resist what is painful. We might start by saying, “I am suffering right now” or “This is hard, and I don’t like it”. Next, we strive to set aside our desire to replace negative experiences with positive ones. While this may seem at odds with the pursuit of happiness – particularly if we equate happiness with pleasure – it offers a more realistic and potentially fruitful way of being with our human predicament.
As we become more willing to accept the unacceptable, buried, unconscious memories and feelings may emerge and ask to be held inloving attention.
You might wonder: what if things are genuinely catastrophic? What if I am faced with circumstances I cannot possibly accept?
The answer lies in abandoning the struggle. In Buddhism, we are encouraged to “let things be” – a phrase manyBuddhist teachersprefer to “letting things go”. This means seeing each moment, whether pleasant or unpleasant, as complete and whole, reflecting the flow of causes and conditions that constitute it. Let it be!
You don’t have to enjoy every part of reality – in fact, things would get boring and you might get very disappointed if you only welcomed pleasant experiences – but instead, you can allow it to unfold as it will.
As Rumi writes in his beloved poemThe Guest House, “This being human is a guest house … the dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.” He calls on us to inviteall“unexpected visitors” in – it’s a radical proposition.
Buddhist monkAjahn Sumedhocaptures the heart of radical acceptance with the instruction, “It is like this right now. Life is like this right now.” In moments of distress, we might repeat these words. The striking part of his suggestion is that you do not have to do anything in particular. Life flows on and you meet it precisely as it is. With time, you may come to realise that you are not the boss of your life or anyone else’s. And that fact in itself may offer you inexplicable relief.
Dr Nadine Levy is a senior lecturer at theNan Tien Institute. She coordinates its health and social wellbeing program and the graduate certificate in applied mindfulness