I have beenmarried to my husbandformore than 50 years. We married as teenagers and are now in our 70s. We love each other, and are in love.
The problem is I don’t appear to have a romantic bone in my body. My husband is romantic, and I either nevernoticeor I think, “What’s thepoint?” I do try, but it always seems perfunctory, and I know he is disappointed when I don’t “get it”.
My parents didn’t show any signs of romance to each other, nor did I see it in my much older sister’s marriage. I never read romantic novels in my teenage years.Even now, in my extensive reading, any romantic bitsarean irritation to me.
I know this causes my husband distress, and I would love to develop this part ofmyself for his sake. I just don’t know how. Any ideas?
Almost every week when I discuss that week’s problem with my specialist we ponder on the “why now”, ie why has that person chosen to write in at that moment? Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes it really isn’t. This week’s specialist, UKCP-registered psychotherapist Lorraine Davies-Smith, and I were both curious as to why you were writing in now.
Has something happened? Being married for more than 50 years and saying you still love – and are in love with – each other is a major achievement. However, while I would like to commend you on that (because in subsequent correspondence with me you branded yourself as a “bit of a failure”, and you really aren’t), I realise you are asking a question.
Davies-Smith wondered if “there’s something about reaching the later stage of life and having a pressure to ‘get it right’? Or, has one of you had an illness or some other event that has thrown up the need to ‘take care of things’ while you still can?” Of course, the other obvious question is, what is being romantic?
“What do you define as romantic? What does your husband think is romantic?” asks Davies-Smith. “Romance has different expressions for different couples. For some, it’s showing physical affection, like kissing each other hello/goodbye or holding hands. For others, it can be “gestures”, such as buying unexpected gifts or special dinners, or simply cooking a favourite meal. Or showing the other you are holding them in mind or caring for them in ways such as watching TV programmes that your partner likes but you don’t, or buying their favourite foods. Or is romance here a euphemism for intimacy and sex?”
It sounds as if, possibly, you both speak a different “love language” and so you don’t recognise when your husband is being romantic. It’s possible that you are romantic, but not in the way your husband recognises, either. I think it’s pretty romantic that you wrote in!
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This definition of what romance means is important. Someone buying flowers on Valentine’s Day – which is deemed romantic by many – leaves me cold. However, when my dad died and I couldn’t bear to clear out his “shed” (actually a cellar he rented) because it was full of his things, and where he and I used to sit and chat – and no one else in the family was interested – my husband stepped up. I still regard that as one of the most romantic things he’s ever done. I knew I could trust him to differentiate between the sentimental and the throwaway. I felt seen, listened to and taken care of, and that, to me, is romantic. When you think of it like that it may show you that romance takes on many guises.
You know one of the most romantic things a couple can do is to talk to each other – to really communicate. This is the number one gateway to intimacy. Not every day, but regularly, could you make time to sit down/go for a walk (some couples find it easier to talk when side by side) with your husband and talk about things you’ve done for each other that really mattered? You don’t have to use the word romantic to describe them if it makes you cringe (I cringe at the phrase “date night”, for example). You may be surprised to see that your relationship is already full of romantic gestures, you just may not recognise them as such.
You may also find the podcast I did with Dr Stephen Blumenthal on intimacy interesting – you can listen to ithere.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem toask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject toour terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is availablehere.
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