I am a surgeon who is well respected in their field, with a long list of awards on my CV. But my greatest achievement is largely a secret: rebuilding my life after I tried to end it.It has been five years since I was admitted to the intensive care unit (ICU) of the hospital where I work. I had developed severe depression and become convinced that my only way out was to die. When I woke up after my suicide attempt a week later, I had a tube down my throat and the shape of the defibrillator pads burned on to my chest. “We saved you,” the people working there said. I politely thanked them then asked for a ‘not for resuscitation’ form so they wouldn’t try again.By the end of my first year as a doctor, I was ready to kill myselfRead moreI first realised I was depressed a few months before I tried to kill myself. I had been feeling low for a long time and things began to spiral after the end of a relationship and moving into an apartment alone. I went to see my GP and started taking antidepressants. I booked to see a counsellor.But the feelings just got worse. I would be smiling and laughing on the outside, but on the inside was a continuous mantra of self-loathing that kept getting louder. I pushed myself harder, took extra shifts, tried to put my head down and just get through it. One day, I had had enough. The pain had become physical as well as mental, and the idea of having to live any longer was unbearable. I took an overdose. My last thoughts were of my family and how much I loved them.When I woke up and found I was still alive, I was devastated. My memory of the first week is patchy; I was sedated and recovering from pneumonia after having swallowed my own vomit during cardiac arrest. My sister told me I was terrified all the time. I was discharged to my parents’ house and sent to see a psychiatrist. My family looked broken. They tried to smile but they had sat by my bedside and watched my heart stop over and over again. My pain had become their pain.I was referred to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I started weekly therapy. I slowly learned to live with my feelings rather than try to suppress them or distract myself with work. It was extremely hard digging through years of painful feelings and memories. Often I would feel worse at the end of a therapy session than I had coming in. But eventually I began to feel better. I found an antidepressant that suited me. I learned how liberating it was to say honestly how I was feeling. I learned how to ask for help and to go easier on myself when I was struggling. I realised just how much my friends and family cared for me and how much they wanted me to get better. This gave me the strength to keep trying.After a few months, I went back to work, initially part-time and then full-time. There were plenty of challenges. I had to consult on a patient on the same ICU that I had been on. He was 19 and had also tried to end his life. He was brain dead and being assessed for organ donation. His family were devastated. I managed to perform the assessments needed before leaving the room in tears.'I had to be sectioned': the NHS staff broken and burned out by CovidRead moreOthers I knew quietly shared their experience of depression with me. It’s a lot more common in medicine than I had realised. We all face the difficulties of losing patients, long hours and a lack of autonomy. Several of my colleagues confidentially shared that they took antidepressants. Very few had had the opportunity to attend counselling, since this would have required taking time off work.Mental healthis still stigmatised, even within the medical profession. I discovered that medical staff often display signs of depression differently to others and keep working right up until they break; work brings comfort from the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness.Five years on, I am grateful to be alive. It took a few years before I could say that. I still have bad days, but I live a full life and it doesn’t hurt to be alive anymore. I’ve learned that when times are tough, I need to talk about how I’m feeling. I tell my support network if there are challenges coming up in my life so they know to check in with me more closely. I’d like to think I’ve become a better friend and a better listener. I’ve learned to be more open with people and share the bad times as well as the good ones. The more I have opened up and shown my own vulnerabilities, the more others have felt able to show theirs and we have been able to support one another. I no longer feel alone.In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123 or emailjo@samaritans.orgorjo@samaritans.ie. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found atwww.befrienders.org.If you would like to contribute to ourBlood, sweat and tears seriesabout experiences in healthcare during the coronavirus outbreak, get in touch by emailingsarah.johnson@theguardian.com
I tried to take my life five years ago. Now I'm grateful to be alive
TruthLens AI Suggested Headline:
"Surgeon Reflects on Recovery Journey After Suicide Attempt Five Years Ago"
The Guardian
6.9
TruthLens AI Summary
Five years ago, a respected surgeon faced a harrowing personal crisis that led to a suicide attempt, stemming from severe depression exacerbated by loneliness and the end of a relationship. After waking up in the intensive care unit, confronted with the physical aftermath of his actions, he initially felt a deep sense of devastation that he had survived. With the support of his family, he began a long and challenging journey toward recovery, which included therapy and finding the right antidepressant. This process required him to confront painful memories and emotions, but gradually, he learned to express his feelings and lean on his support network, which played a crucial role in his healing. He discovered the importance of vulnerability and the strength that comes from sharing struggles with others, which fostered deeper connections with friends and colleagues who also faced similar challenges.
As he returned to work, the surgeon encountered the reality of his mental health struggles within the medical profession, where stigma often prevents open discussions about depression. He noted that many of his colleagues were silently battling their own mental health issues, often choosing to keep working until they could no longer cope. Over the years, he has transformed his perspective and now recognizes the value of being alive, even amid occasional bad days. The experience has not only made him a better friend and listener but has also encouraged others around him to open up about their own vulnerabilities. With a renewed appreciation for life and the support of a strong community, he emphasizes the importance of talking about feelings and seeking help, as he continues to embrace a fulfilling life after overcoming his darkest moments.
TruthLens AI Analysis
This article delves into the personal journey of a surgeon who faced severe depression and attempted suicide, only to rebuild their life and express gratitude for survival. The narrative aims to shed light on mental health struggles, particularly among professionals who are often perceived as strong and resilient. By sharing this personal story, the author seeks to foster understanding, empathy, and awareness surrounding mental health issues.
Purpose of Publication
The article serves multiple purposes. Primarily, it aims to destigmatize mental health struggles, particularly in high-pressure professions like medicine. By revealing the author's vulnerability, the piece encourages others in similar situations to seek help and share their experiences. It also seeks to inspire hope, illustrating that recovery is possible even after a severe crisis.
Public Perception
The narrative is likely to resonate with those who understand or have experienced mental health challenges. It may foster a sense of community among individuals who have faced similar situations. The author’s status as a respected surgeon adds credibility and may challenge preconceived notions about who can experience mental health issues.
Hidden Aspects
While the article is transparent about the author’s struggles, it may omit broader systemic issues within the medical profession that contribute to mental health crises, such as long hours, high stress, and a culture that often discourages vulnerability. This omission may be an attempt to keep the focus on personal recovery rather than addressing potential institutional reforms.
Manipulative Elements
The narrative contains emotional elements intended to engage readers deeply, such as the vivid description of the author's experience in the ICU and the impact of their pain on their family. While these elements enhance relatability, they could also be perceived as manipulative if readers feel their emotions are being exploited to drive a point.
Truthfulness of the Article
The author’s account appears to be authentic and grounded in personal experience, which lends credibility to the narrative. However, the significant focus on individual recovery may lead some readers to question the completeness of the story, especially regarding systemic issues.
Social Implications
The article could potentially spark conversations about mental health in various sectors, not just medicine. It may encourage organizations to consider mental health resources for employees, influencing workplace culture positively. Additionally, this could lead to increased funding for mental health initiatives or support systems.
Targeted Communities
The piece likely appeals to mental health advocates, healthcare professionals, and anyone affected by similar struggles, fostering a sense of unity and shared experience. It aims to reach those who may feel isolated in their mental health battles, encouraging them to seek support.
Economic and Market Impact
While the article may not directly influence stock markets, it could impact businesses related to mental health services or wellness programs. Companies focusing on employee mental health may see increased interest or investments as awareness grows.
Global Relevance
The article contributes to the ongoing discourse about mental health globally, especially amid rising awareness of the importance of mental wellness during the pandemic. The narrative aligns with current topics in health and well-being, reinforcing the necessity for open dialogue.
Use of AI in Writing
There might not be direct evidence of AI involvement in the article's creation, but AI models could potentially assist in organizing thoughts or editing for clarity. If AI were involved, it might have influenced narrative structure or tone, ensuring the message is impactful.
Manipulative Language
The use of emotionally charged language could be seen as a manipulation technique, designed to elicit sympathy and provoke a strong emotional response from the audience. This approach may serve to enhance the article’s message but could also lead to skepticism regarding its intent. The overall reliability of the article hinges on its personal and emotional narrative, which is compelling yet may lack comprehensive exploration of underlying systemic issues. The balance between personal storytelling and broader social commentary is crucial for assessing its overall impact and trustworthiness.