Every time I complete a professional project, the dominant emotion I feel is relief – relief that I didn’t fail, and that something I did was “good enough”.
But do I appreciate my success or have pride in my achievement? Nope. I just move on to the next task. Relishing the accomplishment feels superfluous, because I’ve only done what’s expected of me.
Does it matter if I don’t feel proud of my accomplishments? Dr Chu Hui Cha, a clinical psychologist based in California, believes it does. You could end up in a place where “nothing ever feels good enough, nothing you do feels really good, and you’re always looking to aim higher, up the ante in terms of successes and achievements”, she says. “It’s a formula for chronic unhappiness and dissatisfaction.”
Conversely, feeling pride in your achievements is linked tobetter mental health,self-esteemand your belief in your capabilityto face challenges.
I asked experts why some of us are unable to celebrate our wins, and for practical tips to help with doing so.
Those who fear failure may believe that succeeding at something is “a test of who they are and their ability”, says Cha. Their self-worth is tied to achievement, and failure can be excruciating.
They see failure as a threat, fear it and are hypervigilant about avoiding it at all costs, says Dr Jessica Rohlfing Pryor, a clinical psychologist and clinical assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern University. During the process of working toward their goal, they “might be white-knuckling it until they get there”, says Cha, because “the process of getting there feels anxiety-provoking or very pressured”.
Attaining a goal means they have averted failure, shame and rejection, so the emotion they experience is relief, says Pryor. Cha adds that it can “be difficult to segue into feeling good or proud from that place of high pressure, anxiety and fear”.
Cha says “this is a topic that comes up a lot in therapy”, particularly for clients from families that expected high achievement but didn’t necessarily celebrate it.
“There is certainly a familial component, such as perfectionistic parenting or critical parenting,” says Pryor. For example, “a lot of Asian American women have grown up in a family that communicates that they need to succeed”, says Cha, where consequently achieving was a way to avoid criticism.
Even if caregivers, teachers or coaches did celebrate your accomplishments, Pryor says this “can turn into a sense of pressure to continue to produce or act or accomplish in the ways and at the rate that others have learned to expect from you”. You develop a “worry about shame and rejection”, says Pryor – if you don’t churn out success after success, you may not be good enough to be loved by others.
People with unhealthy perfectionism are driven to meet exceedingly high standards, and feel crushing distress if they fail to meet them. They have a “high motivation for avoidance of failure, shame and social rejection”, says Pryor.
Many of the perfectionistic individuals Pryor treats and studies report next to no experience in failing during their childhood and teen years. When they eventually experience failure, this can “create a sense of confusion about their identity, and a wonder about their capability”, says Pryor. From then on, they invest “robust energy and effort to avoid failure”.
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People with chronic anxiety may also harbor a fear of failure, adds Cha.
Dr Amanda Mead, a New York-based clinical psychologist who works with adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, adds that many individuals with ADHD experience relief in response to achievement. According to Mead, working on a task and facing challenges can evoke guilt and shame in many individuals with ADHD. They may also have an intense emotional reaction to rejection or failure, known as rejection sensitivity dysphoria. When they finally achieve the goal, they feel relieved that “they’ve done the unpleasant thing”, and “crossing it off the list brings a sense of catch-up, not celebration”.
First, consider why the stakes of success feel high. Reflect on why an achievement feels so important and why you are afraid to fail, suggests Cha.
Do you believe you’re only worth something if you achieve something? “Our value doesn’t come from what we do but from just being who we are, from just existing,” Cha counsels. If this is hard to internalize, she encourages exploring the roots of your beliefs about self-worth with a therapist.
Cha also suggests imagining what it would look like if you didn’t succeed, and asking yourself how much of the consequences you could “reasonably survive”. This might help lower the stakes and anxiety, she says. If fear of failure is significantly disrupting your enjoyment of life, it might be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional.
Second, celebrate the small steps while you are still working toward a bigger goal, says Pryor.
It can be helpful to “track what was meaningful, not just successful”, during the process, says Dr Aimee Martinez, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles. Think about what you have risked to carry out the task, what you have learned and what you have brought to the table.
These elements may be more subtle for those with ADHD, says Mead. Encourage yourself to get specific: celebrate that you started the project at 9am instead of 10am, or that you remembered to eat lunch while completing the task.
“There is more of a cognitive element to pride than something like happiness,” says Dr Leah Dickens, an associate professor of psychology at Kenyon College in Ohio. “People experience happiness relatively easily and automatically when they experience something good,” Dickens says, while pride in personal success “involves a bit of self reflection in order to experience it”.
Give yourself some kudos, says Pryor. Speak these meaningful moments aloud. Write them on Post-it notes and stick them on your wall or in your journal. Treat yourself to barista-made coffee or a midweek dinner with a friend.
“Research shows that there’s a bidirectional relationship between behavior change and attitude change,” says Pryor. Changing your behavior, even if you do not believe in it, can lead to an internal attitude shift. If a critical thought about celebrating a small win pops up, notice it without judgment, then do it anyway, says Pryor.
Celebrating the small steps helps you develop “an internal praise structure”, says Pryor. When you finally achieve the larger goal, cast your mind back to all these smaller moments, says Martinez. Celebrating the larger goal will feel less foreign because you’ve already done it in many little ways prior to the final moment of victory.