From the unpredictability of the next Trump announcement to Australia’s own political climate and upcoming election, current events can leave us with elevated cortisol levels waiting to respond to the next threat.
But is uncertainty really a lion that should be feared? Can we ever be absolutely certain about anything? And if not, how can we progress with our lives while carrying the anxiety of the uncertain in our every day?
Reflecting on these questions led me to think about Claire*, a 38-year-old client of mine who came in to discuss some difficulties she’d been experiencing in her workplace as a teacher. She had many thoughts regarding the way she had been treated and the professionalism of staff and colleagues, and by the third session she was ready to open up about another stressor, her journey with IVF.
Claire had previously been in a toxic relationship for eight years, and never thought of having children with her former partner. But now she was in a loving relationship with a partner she adored and said the next step of having children “just felt right”.
Fast forward two years and multiple rounds of IVF, and still no success. Claire was frustrated, devastated by the process and the crippling anxiety related to the uncertainty of each round. Being a maths teacher, she desperately wanted the numbers to line up – 20% chance, 35% chance – all variations with the same message: it would be a long road ahead.
During therapy it became clear that Claire’s most difficult hurdle was not just tolerating the uncertainty, it was also letting go of the outcome. When things seemed most uncertain, she was encouraged to practise grasping tight and grounding herself in things she could control. From regulating her breathing in between classroom changes, to walking with her partner on the beach – these minute decisions may not seem like much, but when life is moving faster than you are, a self-imposed pause can give you that sense of agency and accomplishment – “I choose to lean into what is certain in my life, and give it the same energy I give to what is uncertain.”
We may never be able to eliminate our exposure to uncertainty but like Claire, we might find ways to integrate it in our everyday life.
Building our tolerance for uncertainty is a skill, and everyone responds to uncertainty differently. Some people thrive living unpredictable lives, but others find the randomness and uncontrollability of life highly distressing.
Regardless of our response, all our uncertainty thresholds have been tested in these times and it’s important to know there are things we can do to manage this anxiety.
One technique I introduce in therapy is the idea of “structuring unstructured time”. This involves having a certain activity that is stable, manageable and isn’t going anywhere any time soon. When life feels unpredictable, you can count on this activity to stay constant.
An example of this could be a tea break at 11 o’clock every day, regardless of whether you are a CEO or a stay-at-home parent. This is your structured activity – you know it is going to happen regardless of what’s happening externally out of your control.
On the other end of the spectrum, you can increase your tolerance for uncertainty by introducing small, bite-size portions of uncertainty in your life. For example, try an activity where you are uncertain about the outcome. This could be ordering something new on a menu or taking a different route for your morning walk. Consider these as healthy risks, where you can test out what happens when you loosen the reins and leave yourself open to being surprised.
But what happens when those healthy risks carry a potentially hefty price?
This was the experience of my client Anthony*. Anthony was 44 years old and had a successful career in finance. He came to me with a dilemma that had been following him for several years. Anthony grew up in hospitals, accompanying his single mother while she was treated for a chronic heart condition. Growing up, he played with stethoscopes and blew surgical gloves up into little balloons to distract him from his mother’s worsening condition. Anthony’s mother died when he was 28.
Anthony told me that he had so much admiration and respect for the nurses and doctors who treated his mother, and there was always a part of him that wanted to enter healthcare. He silenced that part for the more “practical” career, but now it was knocking louder than ever. “I want to study nursing,” he told me. To do this, he would have to leave his job, take a huge pay cut and start all over as a junior in a health system plagued by challenges. But for Anthony it was clear that with those anxieties also came relief – that a longtime desire could finally be realised now he had given voice to it.
It is clear there are many issues that leave us uncertain, ranging from the global, such as our changing economic landscape or our future relationship with AI, to the personal, like “have I picked the right school for my child?” or “is this the type of friendship I want to be a part of?” These uncertainties can accumulate and cause stress. But the remedy does not come from trying to control all facets of life – instead it comes from understanding and welcoming the new, the odd and the unpredictable, which give life its colour regardless of hue.
*Claire and Anthony are fictitious amalgams of clients
Sara Mussa is a psychologist based in Melbourne
In Australia, support is available atBeyond Blueon 1300 22 4636,Lifelineon 13 11 14, and atMensLineon 1300 789 978. In the UK, the charityMindis available on 0300 123 3393 andChildlineon 0800 1111. In the US, call or textMental Health Americaat 988 or chat 988lifeline.org