The questionI am a man in my mid-50s, living with my wife and our children. Two years ago, I admitted to an affair, texting sex workers, watching porn and checking out women in public. I was not upfront with my wife and it badly affected her self-worth. Since then, I have been in therapy and some childhood issues have come to light around secrecy, lying and feeling unlovable. But I take responsibility for my actions. We have also done couples’ counselling and spent two difficult years working through it all while raising the family.
In recent months, things have been better. Trust has been rebuilding, we’ve felt closer andthe future felt hopeful. But last week she caught me looking at a woman on the street in a way that upset her. I lied about it at first, then admitted it later. It reopened all the old wounds and I’m angry at myself for repeating the same damaging behaviours around dishonesty and ogling.
She now says she plans to leave me when the children finish school in two years unless I can show her I’ve really changed. She says she doesn’t care what I do in that time because it’s how she protects herself. I feel anxiousthat we’ll drift further apart as she shuts down.
Should I respect her need for distance and trust that change might shift something for us both? Or are we better off ending the relationship now so I can do the work independently without hurting her more?
Philippa’s answerYou say you feel anxious and unsteady, I can understand that. You have worked hard to rebuild trust after doing significant damage to your relationship. The two of you have invested a great deal in trying to repair what was broken and just as things were beginning to feel better you broke the agreement again.
You know this. You have already said as much. What you are now facing is the consequence of that. Not the punishment, but the consequence. Your wife has taken a step back to protect herself. She has said she doesn’t care what you do. That sounds like she is withdrawing emotionally in order to manage the pain. You say you feel anxious this will lead to further distance and disconnection. That is possible. But this is not something you can control. Your job now is not to manage her feelings but to focus on your own behaviour. That includes facing what happens in the moment you are confronted. That is where the damage often lands. You looked. Then you lied. That pattern is familiar to you. You say you are angry at yourself and want to change. That is the work in front of you.
She has set out what she needs in order to feel safe. It might help to take her at her word. Not in the sense of treating the two years like a probation, or trying to convince her of anything, but by continuing to work on yourself without the expectation of a guaranteed outcome. If she sees change, she might stay. If not, she might not. Either way, the changes you need to make are about you becoming the partner – and the person – you would rather be. Not just for her, but for yourself, too.
You also ask whether it would be better to separate now so that you can do this work alone. It sounds like you find it hard to live with an uncertain future. It may be that your anxiety is pushing you to seek clarity, one way or another. But clarity is not something you are owed at this moment. You have hurt someone who trusted you and who took a risk to rebuild something with you. She has pulled away as a way of managing her own safety. It is not easy, but it is understandable.
You might also find it helpful to seek support that goes beyond individual therapy. There are groups such asSex Addicts Anonymousthat offer structured peer support for those struggling with compulsive sexual behaviours, including pornography and affairs. Exploring more of your own relationship with sex and intimacy in therapy might also help. This is not about shame. It is about understanding your patterns and making space for something different.
I recommend doing some research about how trust is rebuilt after betrayal, and how habitual behaviours can be understood and changed.Out of the Doghouseby Robert Weiss is written for men who want to rebuild trust after infidelity. If compulsive patterns around sex and secrecy are part of what you are addressing,Your Brain on Pornby Gary Wilson explores how certain behaviours take hold and what it takes to shift them. Neither book replaces therapy, but both can help you make sense of what has happened and support you.
Whether the two of you stay together or not, change that is genuine will serve you. You are not powerless here. The relationship may or may not survive, but the work on your integrity, your truthfulness and your awareness is yours to do.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader.If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem toaskphilippa@observer.co.uk. Submissions are subject to ourterms and conditions