In Apple’s 2023 car crashGhosted, things went from worse to genuinely never been this bad when the sounds of Uptown Funk erupted during another shoddily choreographed action sequence. It was a marriage so heinous that one would be tempted to think it was parody had it not existed in a film so entirely devoid of humour and self-awareness. The Chris Evans/Ana de Armas vehicle became the new nadir of the action comedy, a subgenre that has been run down into the sewer by streamers, carelessly cobbling together big stars and bad quips on an almost weekly basis.
But as dreadful as it was, there was something fascinatingly dreadful about it, a cacophony of bad decisions that became almost instructive to the industry in its of-the-moment awfulness. In this week’s Bride Hard, the latest tinny genre mix to get chucked at us, when Rebel Wilson’s shoddy kitchen-based fight scene is scored to Geri Halliwell’s It’s Raining Men, you’ll be too bored to even roll your eyes, if you’re even awake at that point.
The awfulness of Bride Hard just isn’t worth pointing and laughing at, it’s the kind of joyless slog that pushes you to check out early and never gives you reason to check back in. Even in a season where we’re somewhat forced to be a little more forgiving given the limited options, this really is as bad as it gets (and it’s gotten to be pretty bad already).
The makers would like you to think of it as Die Hard meets Bridesmaids and it certainly hits enough of those assembled beats in theory, shamelessly so when it tries to copy the formula of the latter. Like that film it centres on a maid of honour whose behaviour causes a rift with her oldest friend turned bride-to-be and a rivalry with a rich, catty bridesmaid. But unlike Kristen Wiig’s hit, still one of the greatest comedies of the last 20 years, it doesn’t find any humour or texture within that setup and when an action plot is thrown on top, there are also none of the base pleasures one would expect from a Die Hard rip-off.
The maid of honour is Sam (Rebel Wilson, funnier in a handful of scenes in Bridesmaids than she is in this entire movie), who is hiding her job as a superspy from best friend, Betsy (Wilson’s Pitch Perfect co-star Anna Camp). When she is forced to abandon her bachelorette party in what’s allegedly Paris, Betsy loses her patience and replaces her with Virginia (Anna Chlumsky, doing too much yet not enough), heading into the wedding on bad terms. But after a group of criminals (led by Stephen Dorff) take the guests hostage, Sam must reveal her true identity and save the day. Cue Geri.
Even taking Bride Hard on its own low-stakes terms – a cheap rip-off made two years ago and released by an almost brand new company – it’s a total disaster, a tedious and maddeningly laugh-free endurance test that’s also made without a shred of competence. Its ugliness is a slight surprise, given that it’s directed by British film-maker Simon West, who was behind Con Air, one of the most enjoyable action films of the 90s. He went on to make lesser yet still slickly efficient films like The General’s Daughter and Tomb Raider but with studio backing stripped away, any confidence behind the camera has gone awol, the action sequences as uninvolving as the script is unfunny. The only amusing moment is unintentional, as a character lies next to some Fiji water bottles while another digs into a bag of Lay’s chips before the camera glides past a selection of elf beauty products, swiftly explaining where some of the budget came from …
Paul Feig followed Bridesmaids with two of the best contemporary action comedies – The Heat and Spy – films that could easily rest on the skills of a dynamo like Melissa McCarthy. Wilson just doesn’t have those chops, a limited comedic actor who only works in small doses in certain roles visibly struggling as a straightforward lead and despite having made three Pitch Perfect films with Camp, they have zero chemistry together. Lower down the cast is also a wasted Da’Vine Joy Randolph, one of the most deserving Oscar winners of late, forced into tiresome shtick that should be beneath her (one hopes after this andShadow Force, she can move on to better things). Films like Bride Hard, proudly recycling well-known popcorn plots without any attempt at originality, rely on heavy-lifting star power but there’s just none of that here.
It leaves screenwriter Shaina Steinberg with far too much to do. Her decision to pair crude R-rated dick joke comedy with PG-rated Home Alone sequel action means that no one really knows what the hell they’re doing and who on earth it might be for. The answer might just be no one.
Bride Hard is out in US cinemas on 20 June, Australia on 31 July and in the UK at a later date