Humans aresocial creatures– we live in groups, rely on others to survive andgossipat parties. But socializing can be hard, even for social creatures. Especially the first part: starting a conversation.
“It can feel daunting to go up to a stranger and start a conversation because in some instances, we are not sure how we will be received,” says Elaine Swann, a lifestyle and etiquette expert, and founder of the Swann School of Protocol. Will the other person be friendly or standoffish? Will they try to pull you into a multilevel marketing scheme? Will it simply be awkward?
If you feel nervous about starting a conversation with a stranger, here are some tips from experts.
Humans tend to do a bad job of predicting how awkward – or not – a conversation will be.
“We tend to think a conversation might be burdensome, or that it might not be fun, or that it will be hard to extricate ourselves,” says Charles Duhigg, author of the bookSupercommunicators. “But what we find is that people really enjoy having conversations.”
Indeed, studies have shown that even small interactions with people around us can make us feelhappierand more connected.
Although chatting with a stranger may make you feel nervous, don’t let the other person know that.
“There’s a difference between appearing confident and being comfortable,” says Swann.
To appear more confident, Swann suggests maintaining good eye contact. This doesn’t mean staring into the depths of a person’s soul – “you can look at someone’s forehead, eyebrows, nose or chin,” says Swann.
Thinking of possible conversation topics beforehand can also help you feel more at ease, says Duhigg. Even if you don’t end up talking about any of those topics, knowing you have them in your back pocket might make it easier to have a good conversation because you won’t fear getting trapped in an awkward silence.
And don’t worry about seeming cool. A casual social conversation is “not about showing off how clever or witty you are”, says Rob Kendall, author of Watch Your Language: Why Conversations Go Wrong and How to Fix Them. “It’s simply about making a connection and finding common ground.”
As anyone who has been on a bad date knows, carrying on a conversation with someone who doesn’t ask questions is exhausting and unpleasant.
“When we’re having a conversation with someone, one of the best things we can do is ask questions,” says Duhigg. According to Duhigg, people who can connect deeply with almost anyone – he calls them supercommunicators – ask 10 to 20 times more questions than the average person.
Not all of these questions have to be unique and incisive. Some of them might not even register as questions, Duhigg says. They might just be invitations for the other person to share more, like “And then what did you say?” or “What did you think about that?”
People love to talk about themselves, says Kendall, so create opportunities for them to do so. “This is a subject they are an expert on!” he says.
And when you ask questions, make sure to seem interested in the answers. “Offer your undivided attention,” says Kendall. “Showing an interest makes people feel good.”
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People love to complain about small talk and how boring it is. But big things can come from small talk, says Kendall. “Meeting your partner or your closest friends probably started with small talk, so you never know what might happen,” he says.
Small talk can help you figure out what you have in common with the other person. If you meet someone at an event, Swann suggests asking them how they know the hosts, or how long they have been a member of the organization. “Some folks try to get super creative, but I think it’s fine to start with very standard questions,” she says.
Steer away from topics that might be too personal or controversial, says Swann. Think of the classic taboos: politics, religion, sex.
But just because you’re keeping a conversation light doesn’t mean it has to be boring. Ask “deep questions” that prompt more interesting conversations, says Duhigg. For example, if someone tells you they’re a doctor, instead of asking them at which hospital they work, ask what made them decide to go to medical school. “The second question is just as easy as the first, but it invites that person to tell you who they are,” says Duhigg.
Conversation, like any other skill, can be practiced.
It’s “like a muscle”, says Swann. “The more you practice, the better you will become at it.”
You can practice conversation pretty much anywhere; Swann says “any line” you’re waiting in will do. When you’re queued up at the grocery store, the bank or a coffee shop, resist the urge to check your phone and instead turn to a person next to you and ask them how they’re doing today. They might blow you off, but they might have something interesting to say.
One of the most important conversational skills is knowing when to end a conversation.
Pay attention to the other person’s body language, says Swann. “If they’re averting their eyes from you more often than they were in the beginning, that means they’re looking for an exit,” she says. They might also turn away from you – subtly but noticeably, says Swann. Maybe they take a step back or turn slightly to the side.
And notice if you’re the only one who seems interested in the conversation any more. “If you’re doing all the work to keep the conversation flowing, it might be a signal that the other person would rather stop the interaction,” says Kendall.
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